Hey guys;
I know its been awhile but that is partly because of all the details of my life that I have been dealing with and wanting to figure out what I want out of the world. I have decided though that there are a lot of things that in my life I need to look at and ask myself if they really belong there.
I need to ask myself if somethings are really worth all the trouble and pain and sacrifice that I have put upon myself just for in the end to end up miserable. I don't know what to say or who to say it to. I want so many things out of my life but I am unsure how to get them.
I want to be happy and have people like me but I don' t want to be someone that gets walked over and is unsure of themselves. I have so many dreams and aspirations but I don't know how to get to them, who to keep and who to let go, what to fight for success and what to drop for failure. I know I want to be happy and successful but I don't know how to get there.
I want to be a partner and mother someday but not now. I need to be successful on my own, not depending on people to support me. I need to be able to say hey I did this and I can do it again and I don't need a partner to be happy and successful. Sure I want to date and fall in love but I don't want to become dependent on someone but most of all I want the person to be like this also.
I want to have a stable income before I even think about moving out of my mom's but in the end this is where I feel safe and this is where I always want to be. I love being with my family, yeah my brothers bother and annoy me but in the end I wouldn't change it for anything. Yes I want my independence but at the cost of family, never. I want to live on my own or with my best friend but not until I know that I can support myself without having to go to my mom or grandmother for help. I want to be able to say hey I did that all on my own.
I want to have my schooling done before I even think about having kids, do I want them yes. I know I am the mothering type of person. I want to be able to give my love to someone else, raise, nurture, advise and watch someone grow up. Honestly right now I am having a hard time dealing with my own problems, let alone the ones that come with having a baby. I want to be able to support and supply that child with everything they need, including my time and attention and right now I don't have that to give.
I want find that one person that I belong with but the truth is I'm almost 22 and I've dated one person in what I would call an actual relationship, kissed three guys and only ever been one real date that most people classify as a date. I've met a lot of amazing guys, some I can see a future with, others that I am iffy about, some that will be amazing friends and sources to go to in the future. Have I found that one person that I can be with forever? I don't think so, I know a lot about people and personalities or I like to think I do.
By the time you get into your 20s you are developing who you are going to be for the rest of your life. I'm going to be academic that struggles, I can tell that. I know that people who are not ready to give up something the hold dear to them now aren't going to let it go and you can not force or bargain someone to change who they are no matter how much you want to help them or save them. Especially when they remind you so much of someone else that you couldn't save.
I want the person that I end up with to be happy with who they are, whether they are upset or disappointed about their past or have a terrible past but recognize it as the past and are looking towards the future that they want brighter and better for themselves and not for me or anyone else. I want this person to be happy and thankful for life and all of the lessons that they have learned. Most of all I want this person to be true to themselves, like I am trying to be to myself.
Mae
